Authors Note:
The purpose behind all Ancient Brologues are to provide a rough translation from the traditionally oral and inebriated communication stylings of ancient Fratbronese into a middle-ground written variant of modern American English: Bromish.
It is important to note that in both the oral and text translations, the terms “dude, bro, brah, man, my guy, bruh, broseph, and dude bro,” are all non-gendered and unrelated to ones ethnicity, race, or social class. Once you are a bro, you are, henceforth, always a bro. This was always true then as much as it has always been true in modern day times forever and always with no complications or problematic indications what-so-ever that this author should be sensitive to or aware of and could therefore be accused of infranchising upon or discrediting within this academic undertaking, for this is a work of science and science does not flinch from truth. And the truth, dear reader, is that this is how the people of that day and age did talk to each other and we must live with this knowledge and embrace it. As much as it may go against our sense of moral justice.
Of equal importance, as I’m sure you’ll agree, it should also be noted that “yo” and “wot” are frequently thrown around in dialogue and are seen as rhetorical exclamations despite not typically being pronounced or typed in exclamatory indicators. To which, you may rightly be thinking to yourself: wot. Which would be an excellent example of proper usage.
- Cayse,
Self-Appropriated Director & Head of Bromish-Research, 2025
Book I: The First Dude
And lo, Dude 1 spake unto Dude 2, saying:
Hey, so I’m super old and stuff and I’ve seen shit that would be good for you to know.
Dude 2:
Sweet, lay that knowledge on me brah
Dude 1:
Well shoot, it looks like we haven’t invented writing yet. Is it cool if we just shoot the breeze about it?
Dude 2:
Sounds good to me, but like, are you expecting me to remember all the shit that you say?
Dude 1:
well, uh, yeah bro. ideally. I mean you want your lil bros to know what’s up right?
Dude 2:
Damn. Good point.
Dude 1:
So, maybe we just tell the story a lot? Until, like everyone in the village knows it?
Dude 2, seeing great wisdom in this said:
Dope. Let’s do that.
Book II: First Dude’s Dead, Yo
And it came to pass that Dude 1 was eaten by a shark.
And Dude 2 mourned and told Dude 3:
Okay, so Dude 1 got eaten by a shark.
Dude 3:
Ah, shit man. I’m sorry bro.
You good?
Dude 2:
Yeah man, but like, now I’m the ONLY BRO that knows the shit he knew you know?
Dude 3:
Yeah. Sucks. You good, though.
But Dude 2 was not good, and he said:
Bro. You ain’t hearing me man. I need you to be my Dude 2, like I was for Dude 1.
I think we all need to remember his stuff so later on more bros can benefit from it cause like Dude 1 was mad smart yo. You feel me?
Dude 3:
Yeah, sure man. I got you. But, like, how do you know he wasn’t just lying to you?
Dude 2:
I mean. I guess, I don’t? I wasn’t therewhen he learned this shit man.
Dude 3:
Hmm, so maybe we shouldn’t listen to you.
Dude 2:
Yeah, maybe not.
Thus doubt entered the circle. And they began to question the Shark Bro.
Book III: A Multiplication of Dudes
And lo, a fourth Dude appeared, saying: “I have an idea!”
Dude 3:
Who the fug are you?!
Dude 4:
I’m dude 4, brah. I am from over on the other side yonder, and we had a Dude 1, too!
Dude 2:
oh yeah?
Well, did YOUR Dude 1 get eaten by a shark while trying to teach every body his rules to living life?
Dude 3:
Yeah! We don’t care unless your Dude is shark eaten.
Dude 4:
Oh, well no.
He wasn’t shark eaten.
But he did make a whole fuckin’ field grow grapes with daily buckets of water AND taught us how to make somethingfrom them grapes that gets you shitfaced real good.
Then, bro like filled the buckets up with it. And gave it away. Fo free.
Dude 2:
wot
Dude 3:
no.
Your Dude Bro made wine out of water?
Dude 2:
That’s it. I’m dumping our Dude. Your guy sounds awesome.
Dude 3:
Right?
I want wine bro life, not shark bro life.
Dude 4:
Well, hold on now, shark bro still sounds interesting.
What did shark bro teach?
Book IV: The Shark Bro Manifesto
Dude 2 peered aft and forth, into the yonderith of hencewhere, looking noble and pondery for a proper while before daring to pronounce the subtle wisdom of Dude 1.
At long last Dude 2 gave a great knowing sigh and spoke in an octave reserved only for the most serious of matters and whales:
Dude 2:
Well, he showed me how you could like go in the ocean, and sometimes the ocean heals you, and sometimes the ocean kills you, and sometimes it does a little of both, and that you just gotta kinda accept, that the ocean just… is.
Dude 3:
whoa
Dude 2:
I know bro, that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!
Dude 4:
and then a shark ate him?
Dude 2:
Yeah, but get this.
Dude bro got eaten by a shark, right?
And we were all ready to bury him, but then that sneaky mfer stood up and walked his ass back into the ocean!
Dude 3:
WOT?
Dude 4:
HOLD ON. Your Dude came back from being straight up dead?
Dude 2:
I know right??!!
You can’t make this shit up.
Dude bro lived, and then walked right back out, and got eaten by the shark anyway.
Dude 4:
DUDE.
Dude 3:
OK. That’s it.
I need to believe in both dudes
Dude 2:
Is that a thing?
Dude 4:
No
Dude 3:
Yes
Dude 2:
Well shit, who’s right?
Then fell a second pondering of silence as the trio of dudes con-bro-sidered, this cobruhndrom.
Book V: Walks of Water
Dude 4, feeling torn betwixt wine and shark, spake unto the gathering:
Dude 4:
How about which ever one of us walks back out of the water without dying?
Dude 2:
Like a water walk?
Dude 4:
I was think more like a walk on the water.
Dude 3:
oh hey! I knew a guy who did that!
Silence befell the trio as Dude 3 stood triumphant.
Dude 2:
Dude. Wot?
Dude 4:
No. Way. Brah.
Dude 3:
Yeah man!
The water was like super low and thick like, and Dude bro just up and walked over this kind of path that popped up through the fucking ocean man.
And so, like naturally, a whole bunch of fucks followed him right?
Not just cause it was cool though. But cause there was beef and shit.
Street fights, manger crashing, and some of em owed taxes or babies or whatever.
Dude 4:
aw shit man, owing babies is the worst.
Dude 2:
Dude. Don’t get me started. I owe two.
Dude 3:
I feel for you bro.
Anyways, so all them water walking bros is like walking through this path but then like the next day that path was just straight gone bro.
Full on ocean.
Dude 4:
Dude. Nature is lit like tha brah
Dude 2:
For real man.
Like, literally even.
Dude 3:
Nah man. Not again. Don’t go telling this shit again brah.
Dude 2:
I’m telling you this happened!
Dude 4:
What happened, yo?
Dude 3:
Ah, here we go.
In defiance of Dude 3’s despair, Dude 2 prepared for an encore, looking out yonder once more.
Book VI: Iron River Chaos
Dude 2, filled with the spirit of story and bolstered by the ears of an unknowing audience, began:
Dude 2:
So. Like.
There was this weird fucking day a couple months back.
Big ass flocks of frogs spawning all over the fuggin place cause there’d been a shit ton of grasshoppers that summer.
And since, like, this was back when that water was straight red with iron?
Dude 4:
Oh yeah, I remember that year. That water tasted like donkey ass.
Dude 2:
Truth. Anyhow, that water was jacked up so them frogs got beefcakey an shit, and no joke, water-walking Dude bro came back and was all,
“fuck this shit!
I’m burning those damn bushes.
I ain’t never gonna have a hot frog summer again!
Erybody go burn your bushes and smoke out those bugs and frogs.”
And they did!
Dude 4:
Tsk. Man. I wish I had your Dude back then.
Dude 3:
Nah man. Our Dude ate a shrimp that year. From that same fecking river, that iron-y one that had turned bright ass red.
Dude 2:
Yeah, and she up and died. So ever since the whole town is on this whole “don’t eat shrimp,” bullshiz and they don’t just mean from red beefcake frog making rivers.
No Dude gets to eat shrimp from any rivers.
Dude 4:
Brah. You think that story is bad? Wait till you hear about how our doctor Dude reacted a few years back when we had a couple dudes in the village who didn’t bother cleaning their junk proper good.
Dude 3:
No need my bro. That doctor dude of yours came here last year. We all got snipped here as well thanks to your dirty ass bros.
Dude 4:
Sorry, bout that man.
Dude 2:
‘Saright
Dude 3:
Um, no. Dude 2, no offense or nothing, but as a dude with non snippable appendages, I feel like it is unfair for you to say it is alright for us dudes with snippable appendages to be forced to be snipped.
Dude 2:
Fair enough.
Then I think your lack of baby sustaining apparatuses should make it unfair for you to say if it is alright for us dudes with baby sustaining apparatuses to keep or not keep the babies that we owe.
Dude 4:
Oh! Our guy had a solution for that. Instead of all of everyone being called “dudes,” we’d call you a dude and you a “dudette.”
Dude 3:
why?
Dude 4:
because…
Dude 2:
I’m gonna need a better answer than that.
Dude 4:
Yeah, sorry.
See, our dude doesn’t really like it when we ask questions… that’s the one funny thing about him.
Dude 3:
That seems sketch, brah.
Dude 2:
I’ve lost all interest in your dude.
Dude 4:
Oh what?
Like your dude just invited questions?
Dude 2:
Well… yes, sort of.
When he wasn’t being eaten by a shark.
Dude 3:
maybe we just need a new fucking dude, my guys.
Dude 5:
May I make a suggestion?
The bros then did gasp as a new Dude came forth from the shadows.
Book VII: The Dawning of a New Dude
Oh, how the bros didst lose their chill, crying out in one accord:
WHO TF ARE YOU?
Dude 5:
I am Dude 5, naturally.
Dude 2:
naturally.
Then, in perfect harmony Dude 5 and 3 spake:
third base.
Dude 3:
ooooh I like him. He stays.
Dude 2:
agreed.
But not all of their party was convinced by this newcomer.
Dude 4, filled with a doubtful heart showed bravery in laying out his gravest of concerns:
I don’t like him.
Dude 5:
That’s alright. I wouldn’t either if I was you. After all, I’m here to tell you that you got it all wrong about Dude 1.
Dude 3:
Eh, who needs a Dude 1, when we got you?
Dude 2:
Which one?
Dude 4:
Which Dude 1 is the right one?
Dude 5:
All of them. There was, and only ever will be, one Dude 1. The Greatest Dude Bro of Them All.
Dude 3:
I’m intrigued and I’m listening.
Dude 4:
I definitely don’t like him. Besides, he is eating shrimp.
Dude 5:
Shrimp are delicious bro.
In unified agreement and solemn reverence for the seriousness of the topic at hand, Dude 2 and 3 spoke in chorus:
dude speaketh truths, yo.
Dude 4:
Fine.
Hand me a fistful.
Dude 5:
Dude, take the whole basket. Gotta eat it before it goes bad.
Dude 3:
lol like steals your wallet?
Dude 5:
Ha! Nah man, I can’t eat a whole basket o’shrimp on my own without my gut getting wrecked. But shrimpies be getting you mad sick if you leave it in the sun too long, you know how it goes.
Dudes 2, 3, & 4:
…
Dude 3:
Is this a metaphor my man?
But Dude 5 said nothing, and chewed.
Book VIII: The Fall of the Shrimp Eater
Whence the time came in which all curled crustacean treats would soon be chompethed, Dude 2 did burp headily and report:
Dude 2:
Yeah, I’m not following. Shrimps aren’t just laying around in the sun not gettin’ swallowed by something.
Dude 4:
They gettin’ swallowed by ME from here on out now, I tell you wut. Ain’t not shrimp-deniers or dick-clippers holding ME back no more.
Why you all lookin at me funny?
Why…
Dude 5:
Damn. That’s a shame. Perhaps it wasn’t the red river shrimp that did his Dude 1 in. Dude bro’s tribe must be hella allergic.
Dude 2:
WHAT THE FUCK BRO.
Dude 3:
Ah, he’s just playin. Dude 4’s fine… he’s just…
THE FUCK DID YOU DO, DUDE 5?
Dude 5:
Whoa, now bruh. I didn’t do nothin. He ate them shrimp all on his own.
Dude 2:
Bro didn’t want to though. Not til you convinced him.
Dude 3:
Yeah! You sat on his pride til he caved on in. You… you… Sat on-er. Anyone who sits on your bro goals is not your bro.
Dude 5:
Yo! Who you calling a Sat-on-er? All ya’ll told brah to eat them shrimps up too!
Dude 2:
Nah. This one’s all you.
Dude 3:
Yeah! I didn’t say or sat-on nothin!
Dude 2:
Time to go, brah. We vote you off our island.
Dude 3:
Yeah! Get out of here Sat-on, go jump in the inferno!
With dejection appropriate for his betrayal, and a basket stinking of empty shrimp, Dude 5 walked backeth into the shadows.
Book IX: Book Bros 4 Life
Three bros, one swollen and curled like that which hast kicketh his own bucket, and two standing guard above who have just inexplicably driven off the bro responsible for this crustacean instigated demise.
Dude 2:
Bro. I can’t believe we almost fell for that Dude.
Dude 3:
Bro? For real? Me. Neither.
Dude 2:
And for real real? It’s time to take this Dude 1 shiz serious. We need to warn all future bros about Sat-on-ers and so they don’t become one and have to go live in an inferno.
Dude 3:
Was that too harsh, bro? I wondered if it was uncool.
Dude 2:
Nah. Respect. Dude 4, died puffed up and bright red. With little curly tails all scattered around him.
All thanks to Mr. Sat-on.
Fuck that guy man. He’s enemy number one in my book.
Dude 3:
What’s a book?
Dude 2:
I don’t fucking know but we are gonna go write the shit outta one.
Dude 3:
Who’s Dude 1 will we write about?
Dude 2:
I think both Dude 1’s can become one Dude 1.
Dude 3:
But… isn’t that, a lie bruh?
Dude 2:
Is what they said a lie?
Dude 3:
Uh… we don’t fuckin know that, bro. That’s where this whole damn thing started yo!
Dude 2:
Then does it matter?
Dude 3:
...
Dude 2:
Ok. Here. So, let me throw something at you.
Dude 3:
Hit me brah.
Dude 2:
I got them babies I owe, right? And it ain’t gonna look good with us standing here with dead shrimp bro.
Dude 3:
Truth.
Dude 2:
I was thinking, maybe we act like Dude 4 tried to steal my baby cause he owed so many babies too right?
Dude 3:
Ooooh, damn. I think I see. Go on.
Dude 2:
Right. So, then like, we just pretend bro killed me and you got follow Hammurabi you know.
Dude 3:
Eye for Eye brah, or er Baby Mama for Bro?
Dude 2:
Sure. Whatever bro, just lemme cook.
Dude 3:
Okay okay!
Dude 2:
So, I’m dead, bro’s dead, you all sad and you gotta get us bodies over to his place real quick for burying.
Dude 3:
Naturally… awww Dude 5.
Dude 2:
Third base?
Dude 3:
It’s not the same.
Dude 2:
Worth a shot.
And thus, the two dudes prepared for their journey, readying their donkey and scarves and what not, oils and such and so forth. What have you. They packed their shit and got set to bounce.
Book X: The Greatest Dude Bro of Them All
Thusly prepared for the trials ahead, the bros considered their fallen bro.
Dude 3:
So what are we gonna do when we get to bro’s house? Where we gonna bury him?
Dude 2:
Pssh. Brah. We gonna feed him to the shark yo.
Dude 3:
Oh. Yeah, aight that makes sense.
Dude 2:
Of course it does.
We feed bro to the sharks so we don’t get shark eaten on our journey. Then we take his house and then here’s the real trick. We pretend that I get like pregnant from their old Dude 1’s ghost! Miracles man! People eat that shit up faster than sharks are gonna eat up Dude bro 4! We’ll spread Dude 1’s message in no time brah.
Dude 3:
But we don’t got no books or writing.
Dude 2:
Don’t need em! Miracle baby bro
Dude 3:
Oh yeaaaah!
Dude 2:
People be clamoring from all over to get some knowledge from tiny bro!
Dude 3:
But do we have to, like. Be all married and shit?
Dude 2:
Come on man, nah. We ain’t got time for that shit. We got a baby bro.
Dude 3:
Sweet. Cause I still ain’t over Dude 5 yet man. I thought we could have something special.
Dude 4:
Gaaaaasssspppp!!!!!!
Dude 2 & 3:
AH SHIT BRO! WTF?!
Dude 4:
Damn. That shrimp was bad, yo. What’d I miss?
Dude 2:
YOU DIED.
Dude 4:
Pfft. Stop playin. I wasn’t dead.
Dude 3:
Then why is your lips all blue and fugly?
Dude 4:
…
Ahhhh, yeah okay, you got me. I’m Dude 1 guys!
Can’t believe you didn’t recognize me!
Dude 2:
WOT
Dude 3:
Whoa! No way! This is awesome bro!
Yo! Dude 2! Now we don’t need your baby plan brah!
Dude 4:
Actually, that idea ain’t half bad. But it’s gonna need a bit more pomp and circumstance.