The Daily Life of Successful Writers According to Writers Who Write Only About Becoming Successful Writers
All you need is 23.5 hours a day and a founding subscription to my Patreon and Substack.
Follow these daily steps and soon you will have an instant readership of millions of devoted paying subscribers. Trust me, my method works.
Just please don’t pay attention to the fact that you are just now hearing about it in a targeted ad that I paid to promote.
1. Write Every. Damn. Day.
Write every single day even when you can’t think straight. Even when you can’t shit straight. Just write about anything. Something viral is bound to pop out eventually.
(2 hours)
2. Read Physical Books
Listen if you must, but you should know that we are all judging you and you should feel really really bad about yourself for listening to a book when you say you want to become a writer. Like, super bad. It totally doesn’t count. You are basically a poser.
(1 hour)
3. Optimize Your Time and SEO with a Free Spirit Mindset
Plan your writing schedule for tomorrow and optimize your SEO and social media presence based on seasons, analytics, and trends, while also not writing to market. This doesn’t need explanation. Obviously. Everyone knows how to do this and it isn’t contradictory at all.
(2 hours)
4. Be a Networking Ninja
Connect with other writers daily and actively engage and support your fellow word nerds. i.e. beta-reading swaps, editing trades, etc. This is crucial and the time spent meeting and discussing writing with these people will be more important to your writing career than anything else you could possibly do with your time to improve you writing.
(1.5 hours)
5. Experience Life
Get out and experience the world in a deep and meaningful way. Ideally this should be done in a foreign environment, so, travel abroad, hike, sit and eavesdrop on the bus, spy on families and couples at restaurants, do whatever it takes to get some juicy fodder for future dialogue.
(0.5 hours)
6. Don’t Burn the Midnight Oil
Sleep is more important than anything. No, it won’t have you dreaming up incredible, fully formed plotlines without any effort on your part. And no, ignore the fact that most writers have to give up some of their sleep to make any measurable progress on their writing. This doesn’t need to be the case for you. Because without a solid 9 hours a night, you aren’t going to craft a best-seller. You just aren’t. And no one is going to relate to a blogger if they don’t get 9 hours of sleep a night.
(7 hours)
7. One Word: Work Life Balance
You think Shakespeare was out there writing Hamlet with a dehydrated brain, weak calves, and unresolved childhood emotional wounds? Heck no. Keep your body, mind, and spirit in balance my friend and those golden words will flow from you like Ichor from a God’s flesh wound.
(0.5 hours)
8. Become an Expert in ALL. THE. THINGS. (And don’t you DARE ask for help)
There are ten definitions for Plot Summary and twenty for Synopsis. All of them are correct and also interchangeable until they aren’t. Your job is to figure out which agent and editor prefer which combination for which genre at what time and during which moon phase.
You should have a copy of your query, resume, bio, summary, pitch, byline, synopsis, et.al. customized to each combination. This shall take time to craft. Given that there are no shortcuts and use of AI helper bots is strictly verboten, you must begin this task now.
Alone.
By hand.
Because this is the way.
As such, it is better that you start hacking away at it now. Half an hour a day should be enough to get it done by the end of the decade.
(0.5 hours)
9. Have Money
Writing takes time and practice. And money, can’t forget that; it’s actually more than you’d think, too. What with still having to eat and all. You don’t make much at first. Well, you don’t make any at all. For like a LONG TIME. So, until you are making enough of it or at bare minimum you come into a large inheritance or marry a sugar honey, don’t quit that day job.
(8 Hours)
10. Stay On Top of Current Scamming Trends
This is EXTREMELY important. It is a fight you will battle daily. You don’t want to fall for the millions of misguided websites, ads, and blogs out there that claim to know how to write the best-seller or make the most money.
Why? Because they are just trying to sell you something. And it won’t even be good! It will just be tired, recycled advice that won’t actually help you achieve your goals or answer any of your questions. All they do is make you doubt yourself and make you feel like a failure.
What you really need is to learn from the mistakes of others, like me. And you know what, I care about you. I feel like we have really bonded over the last ten steps of this blog post, and I want to help you, unlike those other guys.
In fact, I care so much that I in the last two seconds I actually wrote everything down that I learned when it comes to who to trust and what resources are best so you don’t have to go look all of this up on your own. And oh look at that! A link is right here for you to click! Well, isn’t that strange… it says it will take you straight to Amazon where you can purchase my hard-won wisdom for a small monthly auto-renewing fee… wow, what a coincidence, huh?
Oh, and you should sign up for my hourly newsletter too.
And read it.
Or we aren’t friends. And you wouldn’t want me as your enemy.
(0.5 hours)
Total Daily Time Requirement to Become Successful: 23.5 Hours
There you have it!
As long as you can commit 23.5 hours of your day, 7 days a week, you too can become a successful writer.
Heck! With a whole 0.5 hours left in your day you’ll even have time to spend on family, hygiene, or other personal pursuits like getting dressed and eating! What are you waiting for? Go get started!
Note from the Author:
This is a parody piece.
I don’t believe this note from me is necessary, but I am writing it anyway.
This list was written in jest during a moment of frustration. It is a list of advice that is not intended to be taken literally in ANY WAY. So, please don’t.
Additionally, to those writers who write about how to become a successful writer, and actually provide helpful resources and actionable steps for their audience (like Kim Weiland for instance) this post is not about you in any way shape or form!
For the other kind of writer however, and you know who you are, I imagine you are telling yourself one thing: She is just jealous. And to that I say, yes. Yes. Sure. I wrote this because I am jealous of you. If I could do what you do, I probably would.
But I can’t. Because I have a soul. So, I pout about it and do this instead.
I hope the money you make from the opportunistic and wholly unhelpful content that you pump out to prey on the hopes and dreams of desperate artists is a comfort to you during my very warranted attack on your questionable life choices.