Nostalgia, MomBlog Varietal, circa June 2015
There I was. Minding my own business, playing with the little munchkin, when I had the fantastic idea to do some developmental games with him.
Because that’s how we anal retentive moms do.
I opened my go-to hover-mom app: BabySparks. On today’s uber-excessive developmental schedule for my savvy 7 month old we are scheduled to “explore texture with baby-safe playdough!”
A lightbulb went off in my brain.
“I pinned something like that…”
Oh.
Hell.
Yes.
People. We get to use Pinterest.
Best Friday ever.
After my ovaries stopped their enthusiastic happy girl dance, I did a quick search.
As required by law, Pinterest threw me into the ever familiar land of high expectations and unachievable standards.
In an instant I went from “oh yay! I still have that play dough pinned!” To
“Pssh. Who needs that basic-bitch playdough that I originally pinned when I can have FABULOUS rainbow playdough!?
“I mean my God, look how cute. It’s a fucking rainbow-tacular caterpillar. I can teach the little nugget about colors and caterpillars and… OH MY GOD it’s pride month! I must do this for the people, because #LoveWins.”
And so I entered this pin-deavor with high hopes, as one usually does in this sort sleep-deprived and self-worth questioning stage of life.
Come, join me won’t you? Travel with me as we navigate the adventure of believing you know more than you do. Learn from my mistakes.
Imminent Failure Indicator #1: Didn’t have all of the ingredients.
Hmm, this recipe calls for applesauce. Don’t have applesauce… It says I can use water, but the other recipe said I could use any fresh fruit puree. Fresh fruit puree sounds like it would taste better, this is supposed to be edible, and it makes it seem like I did more… so fresh fruit puree it is!
[Looks in fridge]
Okay, well I have some V8 fusion and about 1/4 cup of apple and banana baby puree.
Well goddamnit, that is practically applesauce right there!
This is totally going to work.
Imminent Failure Indicator #2: Took a short cut on step two of the recipe.
“Use a kitchen aid to blend the dough”Pssh. Ain’t nobody got time for that. My hands will work just fine.
This is quite dry though… better add more V8.
Imminent Failure Indicator #3: Second improvisation.
Well, okay.
Damn…
Now it’s too sticky.
Better add more…
…
cornstarch?
Sure. Cornstarch.
[knead, knead, knead]
…
Okay. More cornstartch.
[knead, knead, knead]
…
Fine.
All the cornstarch and a dump of rice cereal.
[knead, knead, knead]
Imminent Failure Indicator #4: Let recipe sit, half done, on the counter for an hour.
Aww, baby is fussing.
[looks to unfinished dough, looks to wailing baby, looks back to unfinished dough]
Right.
I guess I’ll just leave this the way it is and come back to it after he is down for his nap.
[deep down knows her window for success has now closed, ignores this]
I can just cover it and put it in the fridge.
[Baby starts sabotagiarly screaming]
Nope. No time.
Imminent Failure Indicator #5: Realize a step was skipped back in the beginning. Improvise a third time.
Damn, that V8 fusion made it smell good but it looks kinda like cat puke… I will definitely have to add food coloring. Oh crap, I was supposed to add that before kneading it? Oh well, I can add it now, I just need gloves…
Gloves…
Meh. Recycled plastic sandwich baggies work. Look at me being all eco-friendly. I am the shit.
Imminent Failure Indicator #6: Losing steam for the project followed by immediate over-confidence that it will be awesome.
(Still kneading the coloring into the dough an hour later)
Good. Fucking. God. Why did I decide to do this. My hands look like a Jackson Pollock painting.
Can’t turn back now though.
Look baby! Mommy is making you playdough see? Look at the pretty colors! Did you know that it is pride month?
I rock at parenting.
Imminent Failure Indicator #7: Over-confidence turns to arrogance which turns to self-doubt.
There! Done! That’s a goddamned Pinterest win right there. Alright baby, are you ready for your tiny little mind to be blown by a rainbow caterpillar?
(Smooshes down the orange ball onto his high chair tray and shows him how to poke at it. Little man pokes, pokes, pokes, grabs and shoves the entire ball into his mouth.)
No no no! Oooookay… Let’s try this again. Look! We just explore the texture gently…
(He gently grabs ball, squishes between fingers, looks at mommy, shoves the whole thing in his mouth)
No no no! Ugh… what am I doing wrong?
(Looks at BabySparks for more instructions. Finds none. Googles baby playdough activities by age.)
Moment of Complete Failure: A realization that should have occurred before the project even started finally sinks in.
Google results show that baby isn’t ready for playdough until 15 months of age.
Little man is 7 months old. This playdough recipe is perishable after one week.
God. Dammit.
But hey, at least the dough turned out.
I wonder if I can make it into cookies… Better consult Pinterest.